Antsy, edgy and anxious

Been this way for over a week. It’s annoying. The most minor thing can piss me off, like another bad book. Somewhere I saw a recommendation for a book, “The Last Bookshop in London” by Madeline Martin. I couldn’t find a reputable book review to link to – but if you have ever read just ONE WWII based in London romance or just ONE book about book stores in London (aside from “84, Charing Cross Road” by Helene Hanff) then you have read this book. A plot/storyline so hackneyed that it almost makes “See Spot run” seem fresh. Plus the writing is flat and stilted. Pfft!

Our apartment overlooks the parking/lot delivery area and it is usually very noisy. Then there are the 747-sized lawn mowers followed by the leaf blowers, not to mention the car alarms. Even with the windows closed the noise can drive a person batty. Today – deathly quiet. Not a sound! It’s 85º with 72% humidity so the windows are closed and the a/c is on but not on. I just checked the thermostat here in my office – it is set at 70º but the a/c is not running. There is a weird HVAC system in this building and the heat and a/c are tied into the outside temperature (or maybe that’s how all HVAC systems work? I don’t know). So the outside quiet is enhanced with the inside quiet. All is quiet. Not even sounds from people in the hallways. It is spooky.

My husband’s bronchoscopy has finally been scheduled for September 1st. This has been pending since the end of June. His doctor said someone from the office would call to set the appointment – 6 weeks went by, no call. I had my husband call them and it was all “OMG – Why didn’t you call sooner. Somehow your paperwork didn’t get sent through.” Blaming the patient – that’s a good look.  That will tell us if the spots on his lungs are a lung infection or something worse, like, you know cancer. None of this seems to faze my husband while I’m all – antsy, edgy and anxious.

I miss my cat so much. I still hear her rambling around at night, scratching in the litter box.

I wish I had something fun and upbeat to end up with but I just have a super huge case of the blahs…

All righty-dighty then

So tell me, what’s new and exciting?

(sound of crickets)

Nothing, huh? Me neither.

So – some semi-bitter snark. Some of you may, or may not, remember me mentioning my niece – daughter of my elder male sibling (who I have had no contact with for, easily, 45 years now.)  Not going to go into the whole backstory but through the years she has said she wanted to establish regular contact and then backed off. Ok. I understand. Last year she contacted me via Ancestry.com to let me know my mother died. She again voiced an interest in establishing contact – then backed off. Ok. I don’t understand. The woman is 46 years old – shit or get off the pot.

At any rate she writes on Medium and I read her stuff there, I don’t comment and I don’t ‘follow’ her. She fancies herself a writer and recently posted that she is pursuing a new career as a freelance writer/copy editor/editor.  I sure hope she doesn’t use any of her Medium articles as writing samples because they are rife with typos and grammatical errors. Glaring ones. Nope, not a good look for a prospective copy editor/editor.

*Snark over* *Feelings still hurt* *Sigh*

I mentioned in a comment to Melissa that when I was a little kid I wanted to be a duchess, not a princess or a queen but a duchess. She replied “Yes, I remember your duchess post” I swear that woman knows more of what I’ve written in the last 20 years than I do. I don’t remember writing about that.

Speaking of which – I posted a poem last year by Jeannette Encinias, “Beneath the Sweater and the Skin” . That poem just blew me away and I subscribed to her newsletter. Today in my email I received her latest newsletter with another fabulous poem – I’m going to share it here with you –

Don’t Abandon Yourself
by Jeannette Encinias

Not when you’re sick.
Not when you’re tired.
Not when you’ve lost
the thread
the thought
or the thing you thought
defined you.

You will die many times
in one life
and create yourself
anew.

This is natural.
This is a gift.
I’ve died a few times now
here in this world.
The person I was—
gone.

Throw that older skin into the water.
Give it to the sky.
Step into what wants to emerge now.
Nothing can hold you back
when you are willing
to be yourself.

~ ~ ~
Click on her name and it will bring you to her poetry page if you would like to read more.

I have a small

talent with words. But when I’m hitting on all cylinders, damn I’m good! Melissa wrote a very lovely post the other day about my writing and I loved the examples she chose to share especially the one about music. It reminded that when I an good I am very very good. (And when I am bad, well, we won’t tawk about that.)

I now have it in my head that I should chose the good stuff, prose and poetry, and book it up the way I did with my Today’s Conversation blog, and maybe even try to sell it (OMG, do you hear me LOL).

So now I have to do the rabbit hole thing and find out all that needs to be done practicality-wise, since the writing is all done. I was going to go the Amazon route but that seems to complicated (oh jeeze!) so I’ve signed up with Lulu Press. The good thing with Lulu press is I can put the book together via OpenOffice then decide whether I want to do the print/ebook/sell thing or just have some printed as gifts – the way I did with Today’s Conversation. ‘Vanity of vanities; all is vanity”

Moving on – Is there anything more shocking than seeing a candid photo of yourself? Daughter sent some photos from her vacation and there were a few of me that were taken when I wasn’t looking (so to speak) – Oh my word!

At the very least I need to buy some new clothes – ones that actually fit me. Everything I own is at least 2 sizes too big, some are 3 sizes to big and trust me, baggy clothes do not flatter anyone. I lost like 35 pounds a few years ago and haven’t put any of it back on (I still need to lose 20 more) and I’m still wearing those ‘fat’ clothes. So not only are they several sizes too big they are also at least 10 years old, some even older. Such as –

This morning, getting dressed I decided to wear a favorite pair of yoga pants (not that I do yoga but they are comfy)  that I haven’t worn in about 4 or 5 years. I purchased the pants back in 2003 (yes, that’s what I said – 2003) when I was laid up with my back and needed some easy-on clothes. I won’t tell you what size they are but I had the darndest time trying to get them on because they are SO big I kept getting both legs into one pant leg! I pulled them up and they fell off!

I realize I rarely leave the apartment, and on a day to day basis no one sees me but my husband but damn, I looked horrible in those photos – I’m still chubby but not as chubby as I looked in my way to big (and old) clothes.

To end on a more cheerful note – while daughter and family were here on vacation they went into D.C.  to see the memorials – not that a 2 year old and a 4 year old were thrilled with that – here they are, my Baby Princesses, at the Lincoln Memorial –

 

Thoughts (a repost)

Thoughts

I sit with them,
the mad thoughts,
the bad thoughts,
the sad thoughts.
We are content in our perverse affinity.

We nestle in the comfort of
our rote conversations.
Debating light and dark, and wrongs
long past and unresolved.

We are good friends.
the mad thoughts
the bad thoughts,
the sad thoughts.
Reflections of each other.

And like good friends we
laugh at our absurdities,
as if any of it matters anymore.
Or if it ever did.

Companions in the dark we are,
the mad thoughts,
the bad thoughts,
the sad thoughts.
We want no other company.

© 2019 Grace St. Clair 

It took me 11 days

to drag myself through a book. A book of approximately 275 pages. 11 days. I know it was 11 days because I got the book from my local library and loans are for 21 days and the library says I have 10 days until it expires.

I reserved the book 4 months ago (the library now has 31 copies of the ebook and there are 231 people on the ‘wait list’), I was so excited when I got the notification that the book was available for me to download. Finally my turn!

Total waste of time. So disappointed. I mean, really disappointed.

“Klara and the Sun” by Kazuo Ishiguro. That link will take you to an NPR review. The narrator of the book is an AF – artificial friend, a robot.

As I started reading I thought to myself – “This is a rip off of the movie “Bicentennial Man” ( starring Robin Williams). I loved that movie, more than a little sentimental, hokey even, you will cry at the end, but, oh yes, I loved that movie. This book, “Klara and the Sun” – not so much. Not at all.

I have read one other book by Mr. Ishiguro, who, by the way, is a Nobel Laureate, “Never Let Me Go”. I love that book, I have read it 4, maybe 5 times. It never fails to please, and to touch me. (They made an excellent movie of the book.)

“Never Let Me Go’ and “Klara and the Sun” are both sorta kinda science fiction – not my favorite genre. I have a problem with suspension of disbelief yet I very much enjoy paranormal type stories – having a bit of a paranormal background myself (not writing about it but living it.)

I’m just so irked that something I was so looking forward to turned out to be a dud.

Perhaps I am just not deep enough, or intelligent enough or thoughtful enough to appreciate the book. Or perhaps I am too literal. Or perhaps the emperor has no clothes.