In my previous post Melissa commented: “I view both you and Holly as being tough. But you can both emote. It goes to show that being tough does not mean being cut off from emotions.” I replied that I would address that in a post but I can’t. I don’t know what Melissa means by ‘tough’, perhaps she means strong? Being cut off from emotions? I get that, we tough, strong people build big, thick, high walls between us and those who can/have hurt us but that doesn’t mean we cut ourselves off from emotions. We just cut off anyone seeing us having emotions. We have them, big time. No one sees . No one knows. We have ulcers, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares. The walls we build keep others, and hurt, out but it also imprisons us – we are alone and we still hurt. One side of the wall – a child curled in a little ball of pain; outside the wall, strong tough woman, capable, indomitable, sometimes down but never out.
And then – I was making a playlist of my life. Just about everyone in my life has a song associated with them, for instance my husband’s song is “My Funny Valentine”. There are songs that illuminate just about every aspect of my life except – my childhood. So I went looking to see if there were any songs that would resonate for me about my childhood – unfortunately I found some. The songs just gutted me – Martina McBride – Concrete Angel. and Suzanne Vega – Luka. I’m sure there are more songs like these but I don’t have to hear them. And unless you want to ruin a perfectly lovely Sunday, I would advise that you not click those links and listen to those songs.
I don’t know why, despite the passing of so many years; the time working through it all with professional help, despite coming to a certain understanding of the whos and whys and whats – it’s all still there.