We spent the day super-cleaning because the family is coming tomorrow. So today all I have to offer you are these jokes (which I totally stole) – I laughed, I hope you do to –
It’s the 1700’s. Two men are standing back to back with their single-shot pistols at the ready.
First man, “Why are we doing this?”
Second man, “Because you dishonored me. And also because I hate your stupid pun jokes!”
First man, “I see. So it’s a duel purpose.”
The first cat was getting ready to fly into space.
Then someone told the cat that space was a vacuum.
Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke I told about a week back?
You know how when you try to pronounce the names of your medications and accidentally summon a demon instead?
I was at a carnival with my grandson and asked him if he wanted to go into the crazy house.
He said save your money, we’ll be home soon.
I walked into a friend’s room and there was a lamp sitting on an IKEA side table box. He said he figured out you don’t actually have to assemble those things.
When a kid says, “Daddy, I want mommy”. That’s the kid version of, “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
I don’t need a mood ring.
I have a face.
You know you’re old when you clean to the music you used to drink to.
Did you realize that if you sit on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight, it’s the same shit, different day?
I’m good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
As a kid, did you ever knock on people’s doors and run away before they could answer? Well, guess what, UPS is hiring.
Him: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane.
Her: My God, imagine if it had been a small child.
Him: I could have fought off a small child.
I’m looking for the book Ventriloquism for Dummies.
If any of you non-rich people want to go to space for 10 minutes, I know a good brownie recipe.
Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say “skip intro” when they start talking to you.